One Taiwanese told me once about a friend of his who lived in the more rural areas of Taiwan. One day this friend, who back then still was in his teens, had invited his girlfriend to his house. The parents of the boy were also at home, but when they realized that the young couple had spent few moments in the boy’s room without supervision, the boy and the girl were forced to marry each other. This was not only the wish of the boy’s parents, also the girl’s parents agreed. Nothing at all had happened in the room, yet the whole idea that something could have happened was enough to seal the matrimony between the two.

To many of us the story sounds almost untrue (which I suppose might also be the case). However, this does not only tell us that there are still people that take the matter of sex and marriage very seriously, but also that many of us take it less and less seriously. On the other end of the scale, adultery is coming more and more commonplace. This is not purely a Western phenomenon, in addition to countries like the UK (news here) adultery is also gaining ground for example in Uganda (news here) and Malaysia (news here). It has also become a lot easier, thanks to websites such as IllicitEncounters.com or The Ashley Madison Agency. Furthermore, at least in the UK it does not take long for the extramarital relacions to appear, according to a 2005 survey one in seven newlyweds cheated in the first year of the marriage.

The obvious question is naturally why? As said before, the web makes it all so much easier, but that does not really explain the reasons behind it. In the case of men, who tend to be more “simple” in their sexual behaviour (see here the anecdote between men cheating and eating a chocolate cake), supposedly some part of the blame can be given to the TV, media and society as a whole. Everything is much more out there on display. But it is not just the men who cheat (otherwise they would be cheating the women by themselves), also women find their way into someone else’s bed more than before.

That is also the reason why the biological explanation fails. For men it could be argued that “evolutionally” it makes sense to try to “spread the seed” with as many women as possible and hence, cheat. However, when it comes to women, adultery does not make much sense from the purely evolutionary point of view (at least nothing comes into my mind right now). Furthermore, evolution/”biological changes” take thousands of years, this development has been much more rapid and recent.

Therefore it must be something that has changed in the society. If nothing else, the attitude of “carpe diem”, enjoy life and “must experience all” has been taking over. Sex is also becoming less of a deeply emotional thing between two persons and more a pleasent passtime, something people enjoy and find excitement, much the same way as going to an amusement park. Furthermore, why go everytime to the same amusement park, especially if you happen to be nearby another one which looks different, new and exciting?

Therefore, the linkage between sex and marriage is also getting weaker. Nowadays it is normal for the couples to do things with other people (men or women), such as sports, hobbies or anything their own couple is not so fond of doing with them. There are plenty of women and some men who go for example dancing with other men/women cause their own partner simply does not like dancing, and this is seen as completely ok.

Within 10-20 years the same is likely to apply to sex as well. If you don’t really hit it off in the bed with your own boy or girlfriend, it will be accepted to every now and then go to the bed of someone else. It is nothing personal, it is like a hobby you enjoy. Moreover, if there is someone who is known to be an excellent lover, there will be nothing wrong in trying that out, just as you would like to try the food of someone known to be a really good cook.

Once distanced from its sexual origin, marriage will also change, and in some cases it becomes a union of friends instead of lovers. In these cases marriage will no longer be about two persons swearing fidelity and love towards each other, it is about two friends deciding to be friends forever (while having other friends as well), and committing to take care of each others and spend their lives together and avoiding lonelyness. Marriage of this kind says nothing about being loyal in the sexual sense. Having sex in a marriage like that is like going to have coffee with your friend, you can do it with anyone you want, as long as you follow certain mutually accepted principles (safe sex etc.). Children will also be born in these marriages, it is just that  it will be seen better to be raised up by two friends than by a fighting couple.

Naturally, somethings will not change. Jealousy is likely to raise its head in the new kinds of relationships as well. Cheating will still bring pain for the other one, especially if it had not been agreed on and truely accepted beforehand. It is just that adultery in general will lose much of its current meaning. It becomes normalized in a sense that it won’t for example serve as a reason to end otherwise more or less functioning relationship. Furthermore, due to the social and institutional changes in the meaning of marriage, new forms of families are also likely to form. Instead of just a dad and a mom one might even have a whole group of parents. In a family of 3 moms and 4 fathers, just imagine the children.

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